maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
