my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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