I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
