I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
