I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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