I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
please don't ironically join a cult
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