I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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