I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
