My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
