OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
This toilet bowl is my home.
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