had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
