On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
