can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
