my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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