between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
