Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
