apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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