No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
