if only i could text you this smell
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
