my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
