I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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