I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize