woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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