What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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