you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
