i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
