Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
