Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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