I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
