Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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