Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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