So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
