I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
