Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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