OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
