hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
