on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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