We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize