I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
