Ambien. No doubt about it.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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