Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
