I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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