im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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