please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
