her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
