if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
