Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize