I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I could fuck to npr.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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