I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize