Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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