my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
