I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize