o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
