So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
