First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
