I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i was born a porn star she said
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
