Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
