the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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