No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize