dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
you never un-have a 4some
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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