Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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