I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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