Pappa wants mamma naked
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
