I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
