I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
This gyro tastes like lonliness
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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