I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
