I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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