Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Tell her she can't have a vagina
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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