I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
